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photo by: GrooverFW

You know you’re a great guy/gal, people always say so (thanks Mom and Dad!).  The problem however is getting this point across to other people.  You’re at a meeting, a party, or whatever gathering you’re at and the opportunity to network and gain new contacts/friends/significant other is there, but you can’t seem to get it going.  It’s not that you’re tongue tied, far from it.  You can do an oral dissertation on why adjustable rate morgages are still the better money saving option than their fixed counter parts than the best of them.  But why does the other party not want to keep in touch?  And why do they always say that they need to wash their hair afterwards? 

If you feel like the above is a reasonable facsimile of your own situation, you are not alone.  But don’t worry, there is definitely something you can do.  Three words:  what, why, and how.

Huh?

Think of it as a way to steer the conversation into more meaningful fare.  The goal is to get the other person talking and engaged.  Here’s how it worked for me.

Step 1 - What: 

Potential contact/friend/significant other: “It was really nice outside the other day, it was the first time that I was able to wear shorts for my hike.”

You: “Oh!  You like to hike?…”

What are you doing here?  You pick up on an activity that has great meaning to the other person and you engage them.  This is how you get started.

Step 2 - Why:

Potential contact/friend/significant other: “Yeah I love it!  I hike almost every weekend depending on the weather.”

You: “I see.  So, why do you like hiking so much?”

What are you doing here?  As the conversation keeps going, you ask why this particular activity is of great value to the other person.  And when asked why, people are more than happy to oblige.

Step 3 - How

Potential contact/friend/significant other: “I love the outdoors, the sun, the fresh air.  It makes me feel great. 

You: “That’s awesome.  Tell me, how does it make you feel?”

What are you doing here?  You’ve asked the what, then the why.  Now you get to the heart of it, the how.  You ask them how this activity correlates to a good feeling.  During the course of a typical conversation, the what and the why are almost always inquired upon and answered matter of factly.  But the how is often left unasked.  The how question forces the other person to stop and think.  They have to reach deep inside them to come up with an answer. 

And when they do, they realize the person in front of them is someone who is interesting and a great conversationalist.  It’s funny how other people say it’s been great talking with me when they’re the ones who’ve done all the talking.  All I’ve done was give them a little push in the right direction to get them going. 

Give it a try.  Who knows, at the end of the day, you might leave the gathering making a new friend or more.  You’ll probably need to go to the store to buy shampoo to wash your hair though :)

Thanks for reading.